My Creative Home Cooking: Dutch horror show

Because Dutch food is generally bland. It is also traditional Dutch Calvinist mentality that food is meant to be functional not a means of enjoyment. Fun and pleasure of any kind will send you straight to hell. If you don't believe me listen to Dutch people singing.

Let's have a look at some Dutch specialties:

Snert: altough it sounds ( and looks ) like something that just flew out of a nasal cavity this is in fact Dutch pea soup, often enhanced with cheap sausage.

Uitsmijter: bread with ham, cheese and eggs .
Edible certainly but the fact that it's famous reflects the country's lack of gastronomical creativity. This one seems to have been plated by an artist. Albeit a blind one with Parkinson's.

Stampot: mashed potatoes with greens. And the sausages look more and more appealing right?

Kroket: a croquette filled with mystery meat stew. They claim it's beef. I contest. This is my own picture of a kroket I inflicted on myself a few days ago driving through the Netherlands. It tastes like it looks. I never figured out what it's companion on the right was but it's the first time in 25 years I developed juvenile acne.

The winner of MasterChef Netherlands 2023, the famous Gag Van Sieckenpuke invented the Kroket broodje. Croquette in a roll! Who said the Dutch lacked fantasy and creativity?

The kapsalon: greasy fries topped with kebab meat, melted gouda and tired salad, plus the special white sauce handmade by the Turkish chef ( I'm talking wrist power ). Don't ask. The name means “ hairdressers “. If you want to know why just look up it up on wikipedia . I won't, I'm afraid my smartphone might throw up.

Olliebollen: literally “ oil balls “. Balls of dough fried in oil. They turn up every Christmas, birthday, celebration. Yes they do, I know, I have Dutch family. I endured this in my childhood.

Maatjes: brined baby herring. Generally eaten whole with raw onions. Now I actually like these but they are definitely not to everyone's taste.

Bonus points if you find the Dutchman in the two following pictures:

Hagelslag: sugar sprinkles on buttered bread. If unlucky it's margarine. The national breakfast. Nice table cloth though.

The Dutch have brought back a downgraded, watered down version of Indonesian cuisine from their East Indies colonies. Unfortunately it doesn't compare to the wonderful original.

I've tried out of desperation. It's evil.

There you have it. Dutch food heavy, bland, unimaginative.

I nearly forgot the cheeses. Dutch cheeses are famous. They shouldn't be, they are all the same.

And let's not omit the liquorice. The sweet variety is an acquired taste but if you want to wipe the smile off an unsuspecting tourist’s mouth have him try the salty version.

"Good luck". That's what the Dutch say instead of "Enjoy your meal ".

What? What? I can hear Dutch patriots denying the evidence and defending the undefendable. So I'll bring more evidence of their crimes against gastronomy. This should stifle all resistance. Beware, graphic content below:

Broodpap:

Old bread mashed with older milk and sugar. Nothing goes to waste in the stingy Netherlands. Human rights NGOs are currently petitioning the Dutch state to take it off prison menus.

Why is it that Dutch food always looks pre digested?

Introducing the Frikandeln. A sausage made of animal scraps and innards mixed with antibiotics and anti vomiting agents. The version here is known as “Frikandeln speciaal” because sauce and raw onion were added. Party time 🥳 🎉

Nasibal. Battered rice anyone?

Dutch mayonnaise is sweet. Want to ruin your sandwich/salad/fries? The Dutch have you covered. Maybe it works on the oil balls.

This isn't some kind of laundry tablet or rat poison. No, this is what the Dutch eat to celebrate newborn babies. It's called beschuite muisjes. It consists of dry rusk, margarine and sugar coated aniseed. I suspect it might have something to do with the low birthrates

And to think that the international war crimes tribunal is based in The Hague. The hypocrisy!

Radovan must be regretting his life choices.

Second serving of lovely broodpap anyone?

And now, just for the pleasure, a selection of Dutch delights without comments. Please remember not to look at the dishes directly as this could cause eye and brain trauma. Always eye the monstrosity sideways. Like Medusa.