German cuisine, with its breads dark and dense as the Teutonic soul, and sausages whose eternal grease still lurks in the arteries of Europe, is no mere culinary tradition. No—it is a force of destruction that broke a continent and stoked the belly of history.
German Sith bread. Slices of evil:
From the sour cabbage that smells of old grudges, to the beer mugs that forever slam on wooden tables as if calling armies to rise—their kitchen becomes the forge of hatred.
Face it, you'd be angry too:
A diet of pork and potato firmed the muscle but blurred the imagination, killed the love. From there grew social obsession with order, with discipline, with sour drinks and heavy hands. A cuisine with few spices but many weights became the metaphor for a nation too often dragged into the grave of its own making. The diet of doom.
When Germans try to get creative and pretend to be human. What I see is a ungodly dead animal fetish:
We should be thankful that Germans are alien drones biologically engineered to digest concrete because the only time they grew curious about foreign foods many people suffered.
I sincerely believe they invaded France and Belgium on the sole pretense of having a decent dinner. It took years of fighting to send them back to Sauerkrautshire. They really wanted to stay.
No one knows why they invaded the Netherlands.
Leberknudelsuppe. As served in Germany's top rated restaurant The Stalag XII:
Spaetzle. Macaroni stomped by combat boots. On very special days like the 20th of April they serve this drenched in melted lard and old cheese:
To any of our German friends who don't find this funny:
Don't worry, this is quite normal. You haven't been programmed for jocularity. You power cells are optimized for efficiency. So back to your dark devices you go 😊.
German food is so bad that its grimness is contagious. Whilst being the Reich's privileged guest....
Images come to mind:
... I tried to vary my diet for physical and mental health reasons by eating out in foreign restaurants. Do not do this as the hope isn't worth the deception. Even the local Italian food tastes of sadness.
German food causes extreme physical prejudice to normal human beings. Look at what it did to this poor chap. He is only 22 years old:
Germany's favourite cookbook:
Highlights include:
Potato Blitzkrieg: An unstoppable advance of starch, butter, and salt.
Operation Sauerkraut: Fermentation conducted with military precision.
The Final Crust: Bread so firm it conquers hunger in one slice.
Strudel Offensive: A sweet assault that leaves no tastebud behind.
Soup Under Siege: A broth that will outlast any resistance.
What critics are saying:
“Finally, a cookbook that isn’t afraid to shout at me.” — The Daily Ration
“Terrifyingly delicious.” — Food & Fury Magazine
“I didn’t want seconds, but somehow I had no choice.” — Anonymous Diner
Published by Obedience Press, this is more than a cookbook. It’s a culinary campaign.
Eat up. Resistance is futile.
Enjoy 😋🇩🇪
Disclaimer:
This article was written for fun and as a joke. It is not to be taken ( too ) seriously.
Germany is a beautiful country that contributed immensely to arts, science and... Football.
It has beautiful landmarks, cities and countryside.
And the beer is amazing.
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